When I was diagnosed with cancer, everything seemed to change in an instant. The news came like a wrecking ball, smashing through my life and leaving me stunned. It’s impossible to hear “You have cancer” and not feel like your world has been turned upside down. But as time went on, I realized that while my life had been disrupted, I wasn’t a different person. I was still me, the same person I had always been. My cancer diagnosis didn’t erase the years of experiences, values, passions, and quirks that made me who I am. It didn’t define me, and it doesn’t have to define you, either.
As a therapist and a cancer survivor, I’ve had to navigate this tricky terrain myself, and I’ve walked alongside many others as they learned to cope with a cancer diagnosis. When something as all-encompassing as cancer comes into your life, it’s easy to feel like your identity gets swallowed up by the illness. Suddenly, you’re no longer “just you.” Instead, you become the person with cancer, often to yourself, but also to others. Your name gets attached to this one thing, as if everything else about you somehow falls away.
But I’m here to remind you that cancer is only one part of your story. Yes, it’s a big part and certainly a challenging one, but it’s not the whole story. You had a full, meaningful life before cancer, and that life is still there. The diagnosis may have shifted things, but it hasn’t erased who you are at your core. Whether you were a parent, a teacher, a writer, a musician, or just someone who loved their morning coffee and crossword puzzle, those things are still part of you. The essence of who you are hasn’t vanished.
I remember going through my own treatment and feeling as though my identity was being reshaped by the disease and everything that came with it, hospital visits, tests, chemotherapy, the constant exhaustion, the new and different fears. It was as if every day I had to remind myself that I was still the person who loved dancing and hiking, still the therapist who helped others navigate life’s difficulties, still the friend who enjoyed long phone conversations and a good laugh. But it took intentionality and effort to hold on to those parts of myself.
One thing I found particularly helpful was to continue engaging with the things I loved, even in small ways, even when it felt difficult. There were days when reading a book felt too exhausting, but I would listen to an audiobook instead. There were times when I couldn’t manage a long walk, but I’d sit outside and soak in the fresh air, reminding myself that I was still someone who found joy in the simple beauty of nature. It wasn’t about “pretending” I didn’t have cancer; it was about not letting cancer dictate every aspect of my life.
Talking to my clients who are facing similar challenges, I often hear that they struggle with this same issue. They feel like their life is now measured in terms of “before cancer” and “after cancer,” and that it’s hard to reconnect with who they were. I understand that feeling. It can be a real struggle to find a balance between acknowledging the realities of your diagnosis and remembering the person you’ve always been. But it’s a balance worth striving for because your essence remains unchanged. Cancer may be a part of your story now, but it’s not the title of your life.
In the same way that you wouldn’t be defined solely by a job, a relationship, or a hobby, you don’t need to be defined solely by cancer. You have your own values, dreams, and unique qualities that existed long before any doctor mentioned the word “cancer.” Hold on to those things. Nurture them. Use them as reminders of who you are. If anything, let this experience highlight your strength, resilience, and capacity for hope, qualities that were within you all along, not created by cancer but perhaps illuminated by the fight against it.
It’s also important to communicate with the people around you about this. Friends, family, and colleagues may feel unsure of how to interact with you after your diagnosis. They might focus on your illness because they don’t know what else to talk about, or they might avoid talking about it entirely because they don’t want to upset you. Help them remember that you’re still the same person who loves the same things and enjoys the same activities. Share with them your desire to be seen as a whole person, not just a patient. It’s okay to set boundaries around conversations and to guide people back to the person you’ve always been.
Being diagnosed with cancer is a life-changing experience, there’s no denying that. But it doesn’t rewrite the story of who you are. It’s just a chapter, albeit a significant one. You are not a diagnosis. Keep finding joy in the things you love and living life in a way that feels true to who you are.
Because cancer doesn’t define you, you define you.
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